Initially when I posted this, I was a jumble of emotions. I wasn’t thinking as clearly as I’d like. My processing of the situation was far from complete. So with emotions and thoughts processed, here’s my revised version…
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Twitter blew up yesterday surrounding a single article. Since so many bloggers I respected retweeted it, I imagined that it must be amazing. Women empowerment, y’all! Excitedly, I opened the link. After reading through, I was puzzled, to say the least, as to why this was such important information. I commend the author for her honesty along with the commenters for their honesty, but the article did not resonate with me in the least bit.
If you haven’t had the chance to read the original article, the author describes how she’s happy she’s going grey now because it will stop the influx of negative male attention. She further went on to explain many scenarios in her younger years that ranged from harmless to unbelievable. The commenters added their support and added their own experiences of feeling objectified by men. One article and almost 200 comments later, and I still didn’t get it. How the hell is this helping women become less of an object?!
I was pretty furious for the twenty four hours following my initial read. Part of it stemmed from a bit of envy as I have never received inappropriate or really any attention from males. Oh, and I have tried over the years. Another bit was pissed that all these women were so negative towards men. It was obvious they just didn’t get dudes. As someone who feels much more comfortable around men than women, I felt they took their interpretations of what some men say to and behind a woman’s back way too seriously. For example, many ladies felt demeaned that a man would be so horrid to ask them to smile. Really?! A f-in smile?! I’ve been asked to smile by women, but never men. And if I were to ask a person to smile, it would be either to help brighten their day or because being around sad-seeming people is depressing. It would never to be to hold some control over the other person because they are my object. Sorry, but that’s way too far-fetched of an idea and appears to be fear-mongering, in my opinon.
Despite the aforementioned annoyances, I finally got to the heart of the matter: I lost respect for the author for her lack of action. As a woman myself, I felt let down by my gender. Misrepresented. Failed. Granted, she never asked to be in the scenarios she was in, but she had all the power to act. She had the ability to say something, to ask for help, to punch the asshole. But she just took the words and behaviors. And after reading a lot of comments, many other women did too. I’m not talking about people who were raped and had no safe option, I’m talking about when a man said lewd things or masturbated in front of them or humped them on a busy subway. Frankly, I’m not surprised all of these behaviors continue if the affected woman does nothing. I found it humorous that the women just wanted the men to change. However, in order to change the men’s behavior, you have to make them aware of it. Taking the sexually charged verbal and physical harassment only makes it okay. It is our duty, as women, as men, as the human race to stand up for each other. And the best way to do that is by standing up for ourselves, our safety, and our rights first.
I’ve been extremely fortunate to be raised in a house that respected strong women. My mother taught me the importance of my brain and voice. My dad taught me to be tough and how to fight. And my boldness has come through. I stood up for a neighbor being physically abused by a boyfriend. I told off a group of middle school boys who hit the one girl of the group. I’ve told off many a guy who said something I found offensive or out of line. I stood up for myself. I stood up for others. And I stood up for all women.
And that is my message to you all. No matter if you’re male or female, do yourself a favor and stand up for you. If this little 5’3″ 95lb. lady can do it, you can too. Don’t wait until your hair is greying to hide behind. Start today. Teach your daughters. Teach your sons. If we want this world and the people in it to truly change, we have to start today.
Will you join me? Will you promise to stand up for you, no matter how scary or hard it may be? I can guarantee that you will only be stronger for it. I know, I am.
So stand up.
This is amazing!
Thanks
I have men telling me^ to smile all the time. the point is somewhat that it is behavior only directed towards women and not other men… Which is why it turns into a feminist issue.
I think the author really touched on how women are trained to be pretty and soft spoken. So we must look nice for the viewing pleasure of independent men, and if any of those men are kind enough to grant us verbal or inappropriate physical praise, we should up… Take it… And be grateful.
Sometimes society has me such a mess that I walk down the streets in fear of unwanted interactions or invitations… Paranoid. I have a right to be fierce or strong in my face or my walk… I should be able to do that without random strangers approaching me^ to whisper in my ear or alter my expression of my feelings.
Good read.
Thanks
I’ve heard men tell other men to cheer up. They may say it differently than they do to women, but dudes have no problem telling other dudes that they look sad. Thus, I highly disagree that it’s a feminist issue. Also, if it bothers you, why don’t you ask the man what his intentions are in asking you to smile? You might be surprised that the intentions are not as horrid as you envision.
As for the author believing women are raised to be viewed as objects, I truly hope that is a generational thing. The girls and now women I hang out with weren’t raised that way at all. Maybe it’s because I surround myself with confident women, but I truly believe there is a shift in how young women carry themselves these days.
Finally, it’s not society’s fault you feel paranoid, it’s your own perspective. Not to be harsh, but I think we, as women, need to stop living in fear. Yes, random men should be polite, but living in fear isn’t going to change the ones who aren’t. It may take a generation or two of fierce women, but you do what you have to to enact change.
Thank you for taking the time to reply
I totally agree with you! To a very real extent, we teach people how to treat us. I almost feel sorry for the author of that article, for she clearly felt powerless all those years. But really, did all those mean men take her power, or did she allow them to take it? I was raised in a family of strong women, and strong values, and can honestly say that I’ve never had the issues this women has.
“There were other incidents, too; so many incidents. Every one underscored the message that I wasn’t safe, that I deserved whatever was coming to me, because I was young and a woman and that was how it was and also I should appreciate it.” I honestly think this women must have been raised with no self-confidence or self-esteem to feel this way. She never speaks of standing up for herself or asserting herself; rather even the smallest attentions from men, sexually-based or not, results in her own inner terror. It sounds SO much more a case of her perspective on the world rather than reality. I SO agree with you that “it’s not society’s fault you feel paranoid, it’s your own perspective.” If you make yourself believe every man is out to rape you, you will probably live in fear. But it’s not reality. So often, people project their own beliefs and fears onto others rather than simply seeing what it truly there.
And the thing that really upset me is how many times “most men are predators” shows up in the comments. For me, it just shows a level of pure ignorance that there is no reasoning with.
I could not agree with you more! It’s an interesting experiment to call out random names/words/nicknames and see what people respond too. It says a lot about who they subconsciously believe they are.
I think I agree and disagree with you. I don’t think I’ve had nearly as many incidents happen to me as Alice, the writer, has, but I’ve had enough to know that I have to be careful whether I like it or not – no matter how strong I feel.
That said, it is sad that she felt powerless. But everyone’s different and reacts differently to their environment. Clearly she felt defeated by her experiences.
I am so, so glad you haven’t had many negative experiences from men you’ve come into contact with. I’m so glad you are a mother of boys – that you will teach them about respect and tolerance so that your family will continue to be a force for good in the world. You seem incredibly strong from what I’ve read about you and I’m glad to see your example in the blogging world.
I agree..there’s always an element of feeling safe…like how I take extra safety precautions when The Hubs is on a 24 hr shift because I’m responsible for everyone’s safety whereas when he’s home, I just figure he’ll deal with an intruder. But I also think our culture is one riddled by fear. It’s SO hard to overcome that when we are constantly bombarded with the message that we aren’t safe, especially us as women. Maybe I was just way too stubborn or obstinate as a child, but I didn’t buy into it. I guess I was just a bruiser since birth
“However, in order to change the men’s behavior, you have to make them aware of it.”
Really, guys aren’t aware that masturbating against someone on public transi is NOT OK? It’s the woman’s responsibility to let them know, otherwise it’s our fault because they just assume we want them to masturbate against/around us?
You are doing men a disservice by suggesting they do not know what is appropriate behavior, and you are doing women a disservice by suggesting that if they are too scared to stand up, than it’s our fault it keeps happening. Ridiculous, and not empowering at all.
I’m sorry it didn’t resonate with you. I think what I was trying to say is to make men aware that we (women) will not accept inappropriate behavior. I doubt they honestly believe it’s right (like public masturbation), but surely they do it because people don’t protest against it. Thus, this is why I believe we are partly at fault. Silence has no power in these situations. Saying nothing is akin to tolerance. If you choose to stay silent, that is your prerogative. However, I’m a firm believer of enacting change with the power I have. Should I experience any of the scenarios of the commenters or author, you better believe I won’t stand silent. I pray that you reconsider your stance. It’s important that each woman knows they have power to change how they feel in situations and have power to protect themselves.
I, unfortunately, have been treated like an object by the male gender more times than I’d care to admit. That being said, I never stood by and allowed it to happen by not having a spine, nor did I let them continue on obviously. As a thin, sprite, (commonly referred to as) sheltered teen, I was often considered naive and was taken advantage of many times. But I stood up for myself. And I’m proud of it. I know too many women that didn’t speak up and still don’t. It can really ruin a woman if they continuously allow that kind of pattern to happen.
Thanks for sharing your story! And GOOD FOR YOU!! I think this is becoming way more common with the younger women–standing up to men, telling them when things are not appropriate. As a highly sarcastic person, I just jest back when a guy says something rude. It’s nice having the last laugh, but I hate that I have to do it at the dude’s expense. Maybe I’ll learn a “nicer” way to say things, but for now making the joke on him has been working for a lifetime lol!
Oh, and I think the smallest of people tend to be the strongest willed and toughest! We’re just so underestimated due to our size!
It’s really dismaying that you castigate women for their response to being sexually harrassed in public, saying that it’s our responsibility to make men understand that those kinds of things aren’t appropriate. Can you elaborate on why you feel women are responsible for how men behave?
I never said women are responsible for how a man acts. I said that women are responsible to act if they do not like the action made towards them. Think of it this way: If a black widow spider was crawling on you, would you let it or would you try to get it off without it biting you? I doubt you would sit there letting a poisonous spider walk all over you. The same can be said with harassing men. We are all responsible for how we feel. If something is standing in our way leading us to feel uncomfortable, it is our sole responsibility to change what stands in our way. I think it’s ridiculous for women to call themselves victims when they are allowing themselves to be victims. Yes there are circumstances when women are truly victim, and their actions aren’t enough. However the majority of the actions women are claiming to be victim to have reasonable options for action. Here’s another example: racism. It used to be totally normal and socially acceptable to be a racist. It wasn’t until masses of people started truly standing up for themselves, others, and ACTED that things changed. I truly believe that if the majority of women start reacting and standing up to these behaviors that things can and will change. If you don’t believe me, just look in a history book.
Virtually all my friends are men.
They’re lovely people, and do not treat me (or any other woman, as far as I know) like an object (unless you consider a medical encyclopaedia an object… which yeh, it is, but that’s not what I’m talking about).
The kind of male attention we’re talking about isn’t some guy simply expressing appreciation by gazing happily at you, or spouting nonsense. I know those guys, and even when I’m not necessarily in the mood for their attention, I have no problem with them. Yes, their attention is flattering, and I take that as its intended.
I DO have a problem with men cheering on their penises by giving women a really rotten time. That isn’t flattering.
They know you’re smaller, and they outreach you. They want to see you scared. You will never win with these guys, unless you’re lucky enough to have the physique of some of the taller and more robust female athletes.
I’m strong for my size, but I’m not that big. This is simple fact.
Have you ever been in a situation where you actually responded to some guy walking by you and muttering something like ‘Oooo, I want a bite of those titties…,’ or even grabbing some portion of your body? Saying something even as simple as ‘Excuse me..?!’ or pushing the guy’s hands away? You get screamed at, called things that you may not permit to be used on your blog, so I won’t write them, while any passersby look at YOU as though you’re harassing this poor gentleman (yeh, the guy screaming profanity at you), they never ever intervene; you may be thrown to the ground. Or worse (trust me on this).
Don’t you dare be angry. Bad girl. We know what girls like you are up to.
You just have to be sweet and good and pretty for they jerks, cause ‘…you’re a sweet little girl. Smile pretty for me. What”s wrong..? You’re thinking! A girl like you doesn’t need to think!’
I’m tired of dressing in gigantic, floppy clothing so it doesn’t look like I’m seeking attention. But if I go out on my own, you can be damn sure I will. I’m likely to even if I go somewhere with my boyfriend, because by this point, formless, drab, baggy items comprise a good 90% of my wardrobe.
By the way, for anyone contemplating this strategy, don’t bother;
it doesn’t work, because the ugly attention you get isn’t about your perceived attractiveness, but about your perceived vulnerablity.
At best, if you end up being assaulted, and you end up in court, it will slightly reduce the credibility of the defence attorney’s statement that you dressed provocatively, ‘asked for it’. But it won’t reduce it much. Because everyone knows that only promiscuous harlots are sexually assaulted (yes, even if you were assaulted while wearing Uggs, ski pants, long underwear, and a parka).
I’m not beautiful; I’m not ugly. I’ve very, very ordinary looking. I’m not particularly young.
I LOVE compliments, who doesn’t?
Men who mutter filth in your ear, follow you around the park masturbating until you flee (I just wanted to look at the damn flowers!), press their genitals against you as they go past you in a doorway or hall, aren’t paying you complements.
These aren’t even MEANT as compliments. They’re meant to scare you. The ‘everyone likes attention’ line they run when you complain is intended to draw attention from the fact that they’re being bullies, plain and simple.
I hate these men. I want to hurt them mutilate, them. One of these day, I might. I doubt it will make a difference.
Men like these don’t change my view of men as a group; as I said, most of my friends are men. They’re decent human beings.
So no, this isn’t my being ‘negative towards men’, my anger is directed at the behaviour of certain people towards others they clearly regard as their lawful prey.
And hell, I’m tired of that.
Thank you for sharing your story and thoughts. I think your last statement sums up how I feel–it’s not all men, it’s the behavior of a select few. I have witnessed situations of men saying/doing inappropriate things to another woman, and yes, I have said something. I’ve never been met with hostility, and I think it’s because I am relentless and never back down. I’m also fortunate that I have rarely been around/witnessed these bad male behavior. I truly believe that the more we (women) say something, the less others will tolerate it. If you’re in a situation where you are defending yourself verbally, and there are bystanders, ask someone for help if need be. As women, I think we need to stop this “damsel in distress” outcome and just wait for people to help us/do something. If we need help, we should ask. If we notice something inappropriate happening to a fellow woman or anyone, we should help. It’s really that simple. The not so simple thing is ridding ourselves of this society-driven fear of what *could* happen if we do say/do anything.
Absolutely, the percentage of people who act this way is tiny (and they aren’t all men, so the gender-neutral, ‘deviant wacko’, may be the best descriptor). I’d put these incidents down to bad luck in human relationships, if it wasn’t for the fact my interactions with those I choose to spend time with have always been good.
But I wish ‘damsel in distress syndrome’ actually summed it up. It really would be so easy to fix.
It isn’t simple fear of what MIGHT happen; it is learned knowledge of what DOES happen. Men in my family treat women with respect, and my family does not run to physically timid girls or women; discovering that I was not always able to effectively defend myself was extremely disturbing and hard to believe.
As child, I had no problem taking on fights that involved boys bigger than myself (oddly, defending myself mostly earned me trips to the school counsellor for MY ‘disturbing behaviour’).
As an adult, not only has there been a shift in perception, so I am aware that this behaviour is that of sociopaths capable of retaliating in ways that leave me dead, or a mutilated wreck, but the difference in physical strength between me and Mr. Happy-subway-wank is several orders of magnitude greater than between my 4th-grade self and a 6th-grade boy (or even several).
I once believed that simply defending myself (verbally or physically, as the situation warranted) would stop this sort of thing. I kept on believing this until I told a guy who made a fairly creepy remark to ‘get stuffed’, whereupon he slammed me against a wall, pinned me by my face, and launched himself on a tirade that lasted until he heard some people coming.
This was when I realized that I had little chance of successfully of defending myself in this sort of situation without a weapon that might land me in prison.
The sorts incidents I’m talking about seem to be carefully orchestrated to isolate the target (and to be super clear, I’m not talking about unwelcome flirting or come-ons from sane humans, but the sort of thing you hear happen in prisons). Sometimes, you are literally caught alone. Other times, the move is covert (these people are nuts, not stupid), so your pushing them away, striking them, or even telling them to get lost is interpreted by passersby as an aggression on YOUR part.
Once, a man followed me down a street, in broad daylight, shouting obscenities and abuse, after I’d told him to piss off, in response to his rubbing by me, and muttering something unattractive about wanting to bite pieces off me and engage in sexual relations with the bitten holes (if this sounds revolting, you should have heard the uncensored version of this). Passersby treated this as anything from a joke (one guy cheerily suggested ‘Aw, give him a chance, baby!’) to polite unawareness, to disgust: With ME. After yet another of my futile requests to him to piss off, I noticed one woman looking at me, and thought she might be sympathetic to my asking her the time (you know, so it looked like I wasn’t actually alone); when she realized I was going to say something to her, she looked as revolted as if she’d suddenly noticed that I was covered in plague sores, and turned and scurried away.
This was when I realized that despite all the ‘oh-how-dreadful’ talk about this kind of situation, virtually no one wants to get involved. It might be, I don’t know inappropriate to do so, or icky.
I don’t expect people to come to my rescue. Unfortunately, experience has left me with the conclusion that my own rescue is often reduced to avoiding conflict. At least, in New York State (I haven’t spent any significant amount of time in any other states).
Bizarrely(?), in the EU such incidents have been far, far fewer, and angry shouting has been enough to stop them completely; passersby do not treat this as a joke, something to be ignored, or my fault (no random stranger in any EU country has ever told me to give them a smile, either; I don’t know whether or not there is any correlation, but I find it interesting). I no longer live in the US. Yes, I’m American.
MJX, I apologize if I didn’t make the distinction clear enough between (relatively) normal guys who make “inappropriate” jests and comments and those with real mental instability. In your cases, did you get away and call the police? When I worked at a cosmetics store in high school, there was a flasher in the parking lot. Once in the store, we all called 911. The flasher was caught. Unfortunately, we can’t keep all of the mentally ill off the streets for good, but we are fortunate to have a police force that will respond in such instances. I’ve also noticed that the majority of these instances happened in NYC when reading the original post’s comments. I truly believe there is a bit of a bias considering there is 1. a bigger population in general 2. more homeless in general and 3. more mentally ill roaming the streets/subways. If you take that all into consideration, it makes a bit more sense why these rougher/more violent sexual assaults are happening. However, I truly believe that we should all use what resources we have to make sure these people are put in facilities where no others are harmed. Thank you for having the courage to share your story and perspective